Musings about Relationships

I was able to do a fair amount of people watching while I was in the mall yesterday with my mom, and I noticed a lot of couples, holding hands, shopping together, sharing...life things?  This hypersensitivity probably comes from my recent "breaking out" of the longing for a relationship, and my negative attitude towards the whole togetherness paradigm is probably well-rooted in that realization.  I just can't shake that icky feeling when I think "together," "love," and "commitment." 

Am I ruined forever on love?  Or just for some undefined amount of time?  I really can't answer that question, although I do see myself as a wife and a mother in the future, so I guess forever is out.  But G-d bless the next man who is put into my life because I. Am. Jaded.

I am having the hardest time in the world picturing a relationship that is completely without abuse.  Completely devoid of one partner manipulating the other or one person changing to satisfy the other.  Maybe it's just because I've had to work so hard these past few months to regain myself, and I am and will be very protective of ME from now on. 

But let's break this down a little more.  And forgive me because perhaps my experience in this matter has been on the negative side and has tainted my view.  A relationship consists of two people who find each other attractive and who ultimately make the commitment to either work together as each person is or to conform/change to fit within some way of being that will benefit the relationship as whole.  Ultimately, change must happen, and the couple can grow together and morph through those changes as a couple.  Am I right so far? 

That sounds all fine and dandy, sweet and optimistic even, but changing myself for someone or asking someone to change for me sounds ridiculous at this point, while the prospect of finding that "perfect match" who compliments me in every single way sounds daunting and unrealistic.  Couple that with me ever feeling like I want to know as much about someone as I know about my ex or have someone know that much about me again, and I'm feeling rather hopeless and...vindictive?  I suppose this is just a good cue that I'm at a time in my life that is supposed to be lived for me, not for me and a partner.  I will get over this whole love-is-icky syndrome, though, right?  I mean, I love love.  Just loving me now instead of someone else.  Yeah, that's a good place to be.